Introducing the Crafty Lizard Smutometer™
If you spend any time in the romance or romantasy corners of the book world, you’ve probably seen people rate the “spice level” of books using chili peppers.
And while chili peppers are fine… they felt a little too tame for the kind of books I’ve been reading lately.
So naturally, I created something a little more… academically rigorous.
Introducing The Crafty Lizard Smutometer™ — A Scientific Scale of Literary Impropriety.
This highly unofficial but extremely accurate classification system measures exactly how feral a book becomes as the spice level rises.
From mild eyebrow raises to full-blown literary chaos, the Smutometer tracks it all.
The Smutometer Scale
Here’s how the scale breaks down:
Level 1: Respectably Indecent
A kiss. Perhaps scandalous ankle exposure.
Level 2: Mildly Corrupting
You shifted in your seat.
Level 3: Of Questionable Virtue
You paused. Re-read. Paused again.
Level 4: Not Safe for Public Consumption
Avoid eye contact. Especially with clergy.
Level 5: Grandma Would Faint
Detailed. Explicit. Sunday school revoked.
Level 6: Spiritually Disruptive
You learned new terminology. You are not the same.
Level 7: Absolutely Feral
Call the priest. Hide the Kindle.
Plot has left the premises.
We are operating on instinct now.
Why I Made the Smutometer
Honestly?
Because some books simply cannot be contained by a three-chili-pepper rating system.
Certain reads deserve more… nuance.
Sometimes a book is spicy.
Sometimes a book is Spiritually Disruptive.
And sometimes the plot leaves the building and the only appropriate response is:
“Oh no.”
How I’ll Use the Smutometer
Going forward, I’ll be using the Smutometer alongside my 5-Cup Rating System in book reviews.
⭐ Cups = overall book rating
🔥 Smutometer = spice level
Because a book can be five cups and mildly corrupting, or three cups and absolutely feral.
And both are valuable data.
Want to Participate?
If you see the Smutometer at one of my markets, feel free to add a sticky note with the smuttiest book you’ve read recently.
I’m always looking for new recommendations… purely for research purposes, of course.